"Let the things you love be your escape."
"Think positive and positive things will happen."
"Don't let anyone ever dull your sparkle!"
Four years ago, I was accepted into graduate school. I didn't get enough sleep for the first two years trying to juggle work and school, but I persisted. I endured the agonizing commute and I tried my best not to doze off at work or in class (I think I have managed to sleep while my eyes are open. What a feat!) which was a total fail. Why did I put myself into such a situation? When I started working on my first job right after graduation, I felt like everything is routinary and that my mind is getting empty. I mean I felt like I'm getting dumb. I was getting nowhere doing the same things everyday. I thought I needed to study again. So I did. But after missing a semester which was totally not my fault (The only class that I could enroll in was not offered.), everything related to graduate studies had been cast aside, shoved somewhere it could never be seen again. I tried to return the following sem, but there were circumstances which did not allow me to go back. I did try, but it was just not meant to be. After two years of absence, I applied for re-admission once more, but then again, I had to withdraw. While the enrollment was drawing close, I felt uneasy, burdened if you may. I was hesitant to go back to the Graduate Studies Office and continue my re-admission application. I don't have the drive to finish it anymore. So many things happened during my two years of absence and so many realizations came to mind. Almost all of them could be traced to my desire of following my passion. I talked about this with my friends and they asked me, "What will you do if you get your degree? Are you going to teach? Are you going to get a PhD? What happens next?" I had no answer to all of them. I had a change of heart. Well, if you look at it closely, I haven't changed my heart at all. It has always been my love for art. Now that I am slowly discovering myself and uncovering what I want in life, I only have the heart to pursue my dreams, of focusing on expressing myself through uniquely personal art.
I want to go beyond trying to imitate the works of artists I admire and love and discover who I will become, know more about the reason of my existence, or rather the essence of my existence, my purpose in this world.
I don't think it would be the academe. It is something else entirely. So I have to let go of those years I spent in school. It would not be for nothing. I may not have finished it, but I have learned a lot from it. I'll move on and follow the path that my heart dictates and I won't let anyone stop me from doing it. I am who I am and more.
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